My abuse story was never about the abuser.

Underneath my choices and reactions was unhealed childhood pain — invisible wounds I didn’t realise were still driving me. My childhood was marked by abandonment. Whether it was emotional absence, neglect, or being left to fend for myself, I grew up with the belief that people leave. That love disappears. That I have to work hard, twist myself inside out, and be whoever someone wants me to be just to be chosen — just to feel worthy.

Abandonment was my normal. And that translated into a deep, unhealthy need for anyone to like me. I wasn't looking for love — I was chasing safety. The kind of safety I never felt as a child.

So when someone came along and mirrored my old wounds — loving one moment, withdrawing the next; charming in public, cruel in private — it felt familiar. Painful, yes, but familiar. And when something feels familiar, it feels safe, even when it’s hurting you.

This is how the past repeats itself until we understand our part in the pattern. Not because we are to blame, but because we are the only ones who can break it.

The real healing began when I stopped focusing on diagnosing the abuser and started getting curious about why I let someone treat me that way. Why did I ignore the red flags? Why did I stay when I was already broken? Why did I keep hoping they'd change instead of choosing myself?

The answers didn’t come all at once, and they didn’t come easy. But they were mine. And in owning them, I began to take my power back.

Because healing isn't about figuring out what was wrong with them — it’s about finally tending to what hurt in you.

Today, I no longer chase people who can’t love me. I no longer perform for acceptance or silence my needs just to keep the peace. I’ve redefined what normal feels like. And it doesn’t include abandonment.

If you’re reading this and something resonates, please know: your story is not about your abuser either. It’s about you. Your pain. Your patterns. Your power. And your healing.

And the good news? That story is still being written — by you.

✍️ Journal Prompts: Healing the Pattern, Not Blaming the Self

• “What did I learn about love, attention, or worthiness in my childhood — and how might those lessons have shaped what I tolerated in my past relationships?”
  (Reflect without judgement. Look at how old wounds may have felt familiar, even in toxic situations.)

• “When have I abandoned myself to be liked, accepted, or chosen by someone else?”
  (Explore specific moments or patterns. This prompt helps you reclaim your power and identify where you can choose differently now.)

• “What does a relationship rooted in emotional safety and self-worth look and feel like to me?”
  (Shift the focus from the past to your future. Describe your new 'normal'.)